the moment of darkness (part 1)

I've encountered so much of darkness moments. Just as my mood, emotions begin to subside, the tsunami wave is here again. There're no chance I can control this disaster.

It was 27th May 2010.... 12.15am.

First, the boring wave came to me. Then, the sleeping wave, then the can't sleep wave, the thinking wave, the self-thought wave, the regret wave, the useless wave, and finally the disaster wave.

Boringness brought me to sleeping mode.
However, I couldn't sleep. I felt about down after thinking about my so called "Future".
My thinking was after the incident of finding out a course which I think I like. BROADCASTING. Next to it was EVENT MANAGEMENT, MASS COMMUNICATION, HOSPITALITY.

Then, another thought came in,

"Am I merely enjoying my life now? Enjoying to the max without realizing that I'm wasting quite a lot of time. I spent a lot, I've done a lot, I've not been in my house for quite some time".

I'm a "Pai ka chai?" I thought to myself.
(It means, some useless child of a family in Cantonese)

YES... I'm a PKC, I've always done things that I like without realizing it was quite a waste of time and money.

It's all in me, that need to be spitted out by me. But to whom?
I've searched my contact list in the phone for some possible people who I can contact. I seriously would like to call anyone and spill everything out and cry over it.

My list of people was, A, A, J, W, Y, ... and a few more.
Don't worry if your initials are not above. I've taken consideration of what time you sleep, phone operator and I filtered everything I can think of before I really contacted the person.
You can be my very best friends that I'm too afraid to disturb you. Don't worry-lah!

Finally, I've sent out sms-es hoping for a reply. But I didn't get a reply, it was as expected, cause how do I expect people to reply? It was 12.35am man!....

What's next?
Finding of Oneself begun.
I went to the store room, dug out books that I've read before. I don't have much passion books, but I still have a few of my favorites, comics!
Be it talking bout Malaysians (text or picture-based) or other miscellaneous comics.

Then, I dug up some of my hand-written notes during my Secondary 5 period (the year of success and hard work). I've discovered how well I was in taking notes, how unique was my handwriting, and other related matters.

Next, I took out my SPM treasures, SPM exam questions I meant.
I read all the papers (11 in total) and noticed how I still remember the wonderful days back then.
I can still remember how to answer most of them. I can feel, how well I've done in SPM, how great I was before, until then, now, I'm a PKC.

If I were still in Petronas studying, I'm a great man ahead, I'm someone with bright future etc. (Not to say that I don't have a bright future now, just that, you know, in Petronas you can at least instantly say that you have bright future, but in what I'm doing now, you still need to mmmm, really bright future? Sure? "Kind of thing".)

After the SPM craze, I dug out assignments that I've done before in school time. I still keep them until now.
Most of them are near to full marks. Wow, what I've done? Nice.


1.05am


I'm not asleep yet. I dug my cupboard again to check my stamp collections all these while, then I dug up movie tickets that I've collected since I watched movies in cinemas.
Looking at everyone of the tickets and remembering the movie from before. Some had strong memories in me, but some doesn't.

Ahhh... There were a lot more useless things I've done on that night until 2.30am. Only I slept, mind you, 9am class the next day.