the moment of darkness (part 1)

I've encountered so much of darkness moments. Just as my mood, emotions begin to subside, the tsunami wave is here again. There're no chance I can control this disaster.

It was 27th May 2010.... 12.15am.

First, the boring wave came to me. Then, the sleeping wave, then the can't sleep wave, the thinking wave, the self-thought wave, the regret wave, the useless wave, and finally the disaster wave.

Boringness brought me to sleeping mode.
However, I couldn't sleep. I felt about down after thinking about my so called "Future".
My thinking was after the incident of finding out a course which I think I like. BROADCASTING. Next to it was EVENT MANAGEMENT, MASS COMMUNICATION, HOSPITALITY.

Then, another thought came in,

"Am I merely enjoying my life now? Enjoying to the max without realizing that I'm wasting quite a lot of time. I spent a lot, I've done a lot, I've not been in my house for quite some time".

I'm a "Pai ka chai?" I thought to myself.
(It means, some useless child of a family in Cantonese)

YES... I'm a PKC, I've always done things that I like without realizing it was quite a waste of time and money.

It's all in me, that need to be spitted out by me. But to whom?
I've searched my contact list in the phone for some possible people who I can contact. I seriously would like to call anyone and spill everything out and cry over it.

My list of people was, A, A, J, W, Y, ... and a few more.
Don't worry if your initials are not above. I've taken consideration of what time you sleep, phone operator and I filtered everything I can think of before I really contacted the person.
You can be my very best friends that I'm too afraid to disturb you. Don't worry-lah!

Finally, I've sent out sms-es hoping for a reply. But I didn't get a reply, it was as expected, cause how do I expect people to reply? It was 12.35am man!....

What's next?
Finding of Oneself begun.
I went to the store room, dug out books that I've read before. I don't have much passion books, but I still have a few of my favorites, comics!
Be it talking bout Malaysians (text or picture-based) or other miscellaneous comics.

Then, I dug up some of my hand-written notes during my Secondary 5 period (the year of success and hard work). I've discovered how well I was in taking notes, how unique was my handwriting, and other related matters.

Next, I took out my SPM treasures, SPM exam questions I meant.
I read all the papers (11 in total) and noticed how I still remember the wonderful days back then.
I can still remember how to answer most of them. I can feel, how well I've done in SPM, how great I was before, until then, now, I'm a PKC.

If I were still in Petronas studying, I'm a great man ahead, I'm someone with bright future etc. (Not to say that I don't have a bright future now, just that, you know, in Petronas you can at least instantly say that you have bright future, but in what I'm doing now, you still need to mmmm, really bright future? Sure? "Kind of thing".)

After the SPM craze, I dug out assignments that I've done before in school time. I still keep them until now.
Most of them are near to full marks. Wow, what I've done? Nice.


1.05am


I'm not asleep yet. I dug my cupboard again to check my stamp collections all these while, then I dug up movie tickets that I've collected since I watched movies in cinemas.
Looking at everyone of the tickets and remembering the movie from before. Some had strong memories in me, but some doesn't.

Ahhh... There were a lot more useless things I've done on that night until 2.30am. Only I slept, mind you, 9am class the next day.

of the white coffee in me....

I'm telling you a "White Coffee story in Me..." Yes, it's me.

The white coffee in me is very simple, as tasty, as milky, as aromatic, as "kao" (kao, means very concentrated in Cantonese), as everything as it is, nothing more nothing less.

Lack of even 1 drop of milk or else, everything is gone. All must be in a PERFECT amount.

That's me actually. I realized, I'm a very fussy person.

When my mom cooked lunch for me today (western breakfast style), I've ask my mom,

"How come it's toast?"

"Why you put my hot drink in a big mug?"

There were a bunch more of things I wanted to comment but I didn't because I realized, I was too fussy and I kept the questions to myself.

I thought to myself in the heart instead. These were the few,

"Why didn't you cook sunny side up instead of scrambled?"

"Why you put soy sauce on the egg?"

"I want my white coffee in a small cup with a table spoon, not teaspoon."

"And why did you add Anlene milk powder in it?" 

So until then, I realized I was a very very.. very very... very fussy person. (Internally, I didn't mean I'm fussy in general, I know my limits. Therefore, I'm not a fussy person, but internally fussy).

~~the White Coffee in Me... ~

 

 

Are decision so easy to be made??

Hmmm.. Today a rush of my hormones came again. I'm down again for another time.. Ai yo yo yo...

What is life for? You have to die at one moment also. Sad case.

Yesterday, I'm up till like 2.30am. I accompanied him for a valuable moment which ended up both of us accompanying each other.. Haha...

He's sad and frustrated and angry and mixed feelings... He's worried that his job prospect next time wouldn't be as good as predicted. Basically... We both entertained each other...  He's still okay, because he's not in any specific area yet then. However, today I start to worry for mine...

Hmm... I'm currently doing Diploma in Hotel Management.
My dad asked "You have a direction now?"
My answer was "Of cause not..." (Why do I answer so? Because I think it's not easy for me to make a life decision)

Decisions are easy. Whether you buy or you don't, you say or you don't.
But when it comes to life decision. I suppose, today only I realised it's very hard.

Do I really like hotel management? Hmmm.. I can say I like, but, do I really like? I do not know. How can someone be so certain of his/her feelings at times? You may think that you like.... but when you think deeply, do you really?

Humans are animals which can think.
When they think a lot, they go berzerk...

Hotel management? Not so much. Actually I want to become a movie producer or a director.. Or those newscasters.. Or become motivators.. But.. how do I get there? There's no such courses for it right? Am I right? (or I'm so outdated that I do not know?)

At times... I really think, why don't I just die now and *poof...* all problem ends? Easy as that right..

I'm a thinker that is so complicated. So complicated that I understand people's feelings and how they think. In the meantime, I do not know how my thinking works..

I'm seriously very confused the moment right now. Not confuse on things. On matters of other things, I'm very clear.. But on matters of myself. I do not get hold of it. I do not know who I am actually. Not even 1% of me.

Things become more complicated....

I actually shuts down whenever I've a problem. Like for this morning, my dad was like telling me, you have a talented mind and opportunity to study, but you do not want. People who wants to study, do not have the opportunity....
I was like... I've so many things to say but I just shuts down... I kept quiet. I didn't know I've this habit until today. I actually keep everything inside but I managed it well.. Until these few days.

I shuts down completely because I think my parents do not listen to me. Communication wise.. They do not practise real effective communication..

They do not know how stress I'm, regarding this hotel management as in concerned. Not stress as in studies, but stress listening to people saying that I'm so smart that I shouldn't take this.
They do not know how many times I cried over this. They do not know how many times I've gone to my fren and told them about it. They do not know what to do with me. I know I should get a proffesional job. But I also want to think. I'm not from a rich family. Still okay, how if I studied and I wasted off their hard earned money? So I just took a course which is cheap or rather when somebody gives me a scholarship.

I'm actually on my very own feet. My parents are so used to not guiding me because they know I can. Until then when I needed their guide, they do not know I needed them to deliver.

Haiz.. I do not know what to do with myself.

When shutting down moments.. Another problem arises... Girlfriends. I would think that, how nice to have a girlfriend who will listen to me. Haha.. But so far for now is friends la.. Friends are my life supporting system now. Thank you..
Towards friends, I'm an extrovert. Towards the person I love, I'm introvert. Because I always feel that I'm not compatible with this and this. Waste of time thinking.....

My life is entangled at the middle. With hopes and risks..

Something here to share too. It's another story of a person. Click here... It's quite beautiful reading this.