the moment of darkness (part 2)

awww.. part 2 continues....

28th May 2010, Gloomy day,


 Thursday morning...

I didn't sleep well the night before as I slept at around 2 or 3am. Woke up as usual to attend my 9am class.


On the KTM as I took out Reader's Digest from my bag. I realized how I love to read successful stories of other people. Successful as in helping out those in need and not career point of view.

A few months ago, I've read about a guy from Vietnam if not mistaken. He studied a hospitality programme and realized that orphan children were everywhere in the country.
He made a difference. He open up a restaurant and started to teach these kids on how to cook. They provide free labor, in return of free accommodation as well as food. (Since they have no food and accommodation as before). Smart guy, yet having humanitarian sense.


Today, I've read about a tourist who went to Venice. He saw a beggar at the road side. There were a lot of tourist groups who passes through the busy town, busy looking at how beautiful the place was. However, they did not notice the beggar. What he did was, every time a group passes by, he will buzz in front of them and put some money for the beggar. One person from the group starts to give money too. And, successfully, the whole group followed.
This guy did the same thing over and over again for the sake of a beggar. Aww.. How sweet and kind this guy was.... 
He too made a difference.

I admire both of them because they had made a difference. How do I make a difference?
Making a difference is part of the "Finding Myself" thought in me.
How do I make a difference so that I become successful? I don't know what I want to do and I regret things I've done before. Never mind bout it already. I'm a useless junk, I thought to myself.

My emotions were as steady, just like the gloomy morning that day. Just care-free and I thought I've overcame my darkness moment yesterday.

But, as I flipped through the magazine. This article pops up in my eye. "Finding Myself"

"I was overcome with the urge to sit in a corner and weep. I barely managed to reach our flat before bursting into tears........"

"And all the while a little voice in my mind kept telling me how worthless, hopeless and stupid I was........"

~Reena Deen~

This article explains to me why am I having the darkness moment in me yesterday. I was "DEPRESSED". I'm having depression in short.


What Reena wrote was what exactly I was going through. You start to look deeper in yourself in finding who you really are.

This was very hard to accept. I sat down in the bus at the corner and tears are flowing down my eyes. I've to talk to somebody. I wanted to called somebody I admire a lot, my lecturer. I think she was the only who I can talk to right now. 
Took out my phone, planning on what to say, my emotions multiplied. I couldn't afford to talk also.
I've decided to sms.

"Good morning Miss. Kok Soon here. I would like to ask if you're free later in the afternoon? Can I make an appointment to meet you? I need somebody to talk to."

Very quickly, she replied, "Sure, I'll be free after 3pm."

Oh god, I hope I can settle my problem as soon as possible.


Basically, I tried to control my tears  from KTM station to the college. I've managed to control until when I stepped out of the bus.
Met my friends, and I couldn't bother bout the problem anymore. I believe my friends are aware of me, I also couldn't speak much to them about my problem because I cannot put my nightmares into words as then.


Continued my whole day normally until 3pm.
I bumped to her office 3pm sharp. I was waiting so anxiously for this moment. Somebody to talk to.


Managed to control my tears as I spoke to her and 1 hour was short. I wanted more.

Good news is that, she managed to counsel me. She told me that I think too much, and there's no need to regret what I've done.
Then she mentioned about god.

"Which really relieved me. "

"God had somehow made you choose this path and go through this moment for you to realize."

Ah... That settle my problem. I believe, god did this to me for me to realize something, which may not be visible now, maybe in the future.

Thank you miss, you've cleared all my doubts.
I'm absolutely fine right now.....

My life after this incident is more meaningful now, (at least I think, haha). Thank you god... Sorry for me to have forgotten you for a moment or so.

....... ~In you, we trust~.........

the moment of darkness (part 1)

I've encountered so much of darkness moments. Just as my mood, emotions begin to subside, the tsunami wave is here again. There're no chance I can control this disaster.

It was 27th May 2010.... 12.15am.

First, the boring wave came to me. Then, the sleeping wave, then the can't sleep wave, the thinking wave, the self-thought wave, the regret wave, the useless wave, and finally the disaster wave.

Boringness brought me to sleeping mode.
However, I couldn't sleep. I felt about down after thinking about my so called "Future".
My thinking was after the incident of finding out a course which I think I like. BROADCASTING. Next to it was EVENT MANAGEMENT, MASS COMMUNICATION, HOSPITALITY.

Then, another thought came in,

"Am I merely enjoying my life now? Enjoying to the max without realizing that I'm wasting quite a lot of time. I spent a lot, I've done a lot, I've not been in my house for quite some time".

I'm a "Pai ka chai?" I thought to myself.
(It means, some useless child of a family in Cantonese)

YES... I'm a PKC, I've always done things that I like without realizing it was quite a waste of time and money.

It's all in me, that need to be spitted out by me. But to whom?
I've searched my contact list in the phone for some possible people who I can contact. I seriously would like to call anyone and spill everything out and cry over it.

My list of people was, A, A, J, W, Y, ... and a few more.
Don't worry if your initials are not above. I've taken consideration of what time you sleep, phone operator and I filtered everything I can think of before I really contacted the person.
You can be my very best friends that I'm too afraid to disturb you. Don't worry-lah!

Finally, I've sent out sms-es hoping for a reply. But I didn't get a reply, it was as expected, cause how do I expect people to reply? It was 12.35am man!....

What's next?
Finding of Oneself begun.
I went to the store room, dug out books that I've read before. I don't have much passion books, but I still have a few of my favorites, comics!
Be it talking bout Malaysians (text or picture-based) or other miscellaneous comics.

Then, I dug up some of my hand-written notes during my Secondary 5 period (the year of success and hard work). I've discovered how well I was in taking notes, how unique was my handwriting, and other related matters.

Next, I took out my SPM treasures, SPM exam questions I meant.
I read all the papers (11 in total) and noticed how I still remember the wonderful days back then.
I can still remember how to answer most of them. I can feel, how well I've done in SPM, how great I was before, until then, now, I'm a PKC.

If I were still in Petronas studying, I'm a great man ahead, I'm someone with bright future etc. (Not to say that I don't have a bright future now, just that, you know, in Petronas you can at least instantly say that you have bright future, but in what I'm doing now, you still need to mmmm, really bright future? Sure? "Kind of thing".)

After the SPM craze, I dug out assignments that I've done before in school time. I still keep them until now.
Most of them are near to full marks. Wow, what I've done? Nice.


1.05am


I'm not asleep yet. I dug my cupboard again to check my stamp collections all these while, then I dug up movie tickets that I've collected since I watched movies in cinemas.
Looking at everyone of the tickets and remembering the movie from before. Some had strong memories in me, but some doesn't.

Ahhh... There were a lot more useless things I've done on that night until 2.30am. Only I slept, mind you, 9am class the next day.